stop, write, hear

This term in stop write hear we are doing some thing called a narrative.
about this narrative is about what we drawing about.
 we did it in groups and my group is Orion, Kaunteya, Chrysler, ibraham here is my draft of my narrative  about my story.

This is my feedback of my story it is highlighted from Jolly rose

Hi Angus I really like your story but you need to put a capital letter in the first name and you also need to put commas when you want to stop the sentence,

But i think you did a good job.

Draft:

One day there was a girl on the monkey bars she pushed of the monkey bars by the bully name Anthony   then her friend came along and said “stop bully my friend” the bully said “what is she your girlfriend” then her friend said “no she is not”.

Next day they were on the beach then the friend sore her on the beach and said “can I play with you “ she said ‘yes’.

The bully came and said “you guys are so babyish you guys play with sand castles and baby toys” then they had to go home and they cried.

The next day at school they stayed away from the bully his friends so then the school finished then her friend ask if they want to play at the beach yes then the bully was surfing and the two friends had an idea they stated to dig a big hole and the it was so big and deep the bully would have to get stuck in it.

Minutes later he was still surfing but it was get a little bit boring but then the bully fell of is surfboard and they laughed then they stated to play in the hole and then they saw him walking over and the he soar the hole then he fell because someone pushed him in then he was calling for help then the to friends said “we will help you if you stop bullying us” the bully said “yes I will stop bullying you just let me out’  ‘yes we will’

Next day they were at school they did not get bullied and the school were felt a little bit safer so the bully and then they were friend and they hang out  everyday

THE END  

This is my final one of my narrative

Final:

One day there was a girl on the monkey bars she pushed of the monkey bars by the bully name Anthony. Her friend came along and said “stop bully my friend” the bully said “what is she your girlfriend” . Then her friend said “no she is not”.

Next day they were on the beach then the friend sore her on the beach and said “can I play with you “ she said ‘yes’.

The bully came and said “you guys are so babyish you guys play with sand castles and baby toys” then they had to go home and they cried

The next day at school they stayed away from the bully his friends so then the school finished then her friend ask. If they want to play at the beach yes then the bully was surfing and the two friends had an idea they stated to dig a big hole. It was so big and deep the bully would have to get stuck in it.

Minutes later he was still surfing but it was get a little bit boring but then the bully fell of is surfboard and they laughed.  They stated to play in the hole and then they saw him walking over and the he saw the hole then he fell because someone pushed him in then he was calling for help. Then the to friends said “we will help you if you stop bullying us” the bully said “yes I will stop bullying you just let me out’  ‘yes we will’

Next day they were at school they did not get bullied and the school were felt a little bit safer so the bully and then they were friend and they hang out  everyday

THE END